Sunday, April 02, 2006

Down and Out

Today the roller-coaster ride is only going down.

After two fairly good, optimistic days -- Mom spending some quality time sitting up and even walking, with assistance, to the bathroom -- when I got to the hospital today she was either incoherent or, at times, outright hallucinating. She said her back hurt, and resisted all efforts to be put back in her chair (which is where she's supposed to be, to help clear her lungs). She said she wanted to go home, got angry with me when I told her that she couldn't do that, and started to get out of bed; I had to call the nurses and have them settle her back down. Later on she became somewhat more lucid, but she would still check out every few minutes.

The physician's assistant -- a guy who, yesterday, was talking optimistically about Mom going to a care facility this week -- came in and said that her white blood cell count was up to a troubling level. But she doesn't have a fever. Her blood sugar is also alarmingly high; Mom has diabetes, but she's always controlled it before with oral medication, yet now every day I visit her numbers are up past 400.

And what I feel right now is...nothing. I have experienced so many wild swings of the good news/bad news pendulum in the past week and a half -- often multiple ups and downs in a single day -- I can't even think. I can't phone anyone, because I'm just too tired to talk. In fact, for some reason I'm finding face-to-face contact with other people painful. I was fully intending to go to church this morning, but then I wound up running late; and it occurred to me that I just couldn't handle people coming at me, asking the same things, offering platitudes or astoundingly stupid comments, the latter of which has been happening a lot. (I actually had someone at work ask me if I was going to move, if anything happened to Mom, "because it seems that you'd be happier in a more arty community" -- I'm not sure if she's trying to hurry me out of town or just being an insensitive ass.)

My pastor keeps asking, "How can we help you?" I honestly don't know how anyone can help, other than continuing to pray for us. What I'd like the most right now is to be temporarily unconscious, which I realize is not a very good answer.

17 comments:

Ladybug6472 said...

Lord have mercy. Christ have mercy. Lord have mercy.

Connie said...

Gracious and healing God, be with LC as she cares for her mother and herself. Ease her sleep, hold her hand, cradle her in your compassionate arms, and, when she is ready, keep watch so that she might rest. Let her be as gentle with herself as you would be, in your wisdom. Amen.

Songbird said...

Still thinking of you and praying, too.

herrbill said...

Hang in there, L Chick. We are all praying for you and your mother.

Sue said...

Praying here too.

Cathy said...

May you feel the many people praying for you and God's presence in your life during a time when it is so hard to be a receiver of His love and the others around you.

RuthRE said...

Holy Spirit, inner light, you shine in the happy days as well as in the times in our life when we undergo trials. And when the daylight seems to disappear, your presence remains.

Peace.

Rachel's Big Dunk said...

I wish there was some way that I could just sit with you, in silence.

You are in my prayers.

Love+
Rachel

Mata H said...

Get to the doc and find out why he has not put her on shots of insulin. Wacked out sugar levels will not help her stay on any kind of even keel. (This from the daughter of a diabetic mother who needed to go on the needle after heart problems when she had been on pills before.)

I'll pray while you go corner the doc. Gently of course.

Platitudes suck at a time like this.

Verdugo said...

The numbness you are feeling is normal-- an appropriate defense mechanism. The feelings will come back eventually, for better or worse, but right now your mind is keeping you distant for a reason. That's OK.

There is nothing we can say, but to remind you that youa re loved.

Loving God,
Enfold LutheranChik with your loving arms. Pour out your Spirit on her and her mother. Have mercy, O Lord, and fill their hearts anew with your healing power and presence. Be present now this moment, O God.
In his mighty love, Amen.

Kathryn said...

I do HATE this time difference sometimes...forgive my late arrival and what will have to be retrospective prayers that you did indeed achieve a night of blissful oblivion and will awake to a day full of God's love come what may. Praying always x

Nicodemia said...

You and your Mum are in my prayers, LC, Be gentle with yourself. Do what mata h said about the Dr. Remember that anaesthetics have weird effects on our bodies for some time. Try and trust your Mum to the Drs. and get some rest for yourself. You are important.

We all love you, and my prayers are winging their way across the Atlantic.

X

samtzmom said...

Holding you and your mom in prayer each day....

Quotidian Grace said...

I'm sorry things aren't going well for your mother right now. I'll keep both of you in prayer.

Bad Alice said...

So sorry. I'll be praying for you and your mom.

Naomi said...

Lchik, Remember you and your mom are loved and many prayers are being said for you. May you both be upheld by our prayers and we pray for the doctors and nurses who care for her.
naomi

Anonymous said...

:votive:

(s)
WonderSheep