I love autumn -- it's absolutely my favorite time of year.
Which is why I feel so especially out of sorts this autumn. Every area of my life sings "Joy!" except my work. Sitting here on Sunday evening, thinking about getting up for work tomorrow morning, I feel as if my head is going to explode.
I don't feel as if I'm creating work of value.
I don't feel valued at work.
I have too many bosses and too little direction.
I feel that I'm part of an entire system, reaching all the way to national level, that's broken; that needs to redirect its mission and its means, but is too hidebound by bureaucracy and politics to be fixed.
I feel that my work stress and disillusionment negatively impact my mental health, my physical health and my relationships.
I'm tired of the smallness, on multiple levels, of my weekday world.
And I feel guilty for feeling all these other things, in the midst of a near-depression.
All the positive-thinking happy-talk in the world can't change the way I feel. My former therapist once suggested to me that maybe I needed to be satisfied with being and doing "good enough" at work; what's good enough of nothing? Because that is what my work feels like to me: a dead zone, a black hole that sucks the life and heart out of me.
My head and heart are both screaming, "GET OUT! GET OUT NOW!" while my inertia and fear and need for financial security keep pushing me out the door every morning.
I don't know what to do. Eight hours a day, five days a week, doing work I hate in an atmosphere I hate, feels like time stolen from my partner, from myself, even from God.
And the contrast between this emptiness I feel during the workday and the happiness I feel in all the other areas of my life, simply underscores the disconnect.
I really don't know what to do about this other than pray for some kind of insight into where to go and what to do for a living.