I understand that my human has been blabbing online about intimate aspects of my gastrointestinal system and, even worse, complaining about me to all of you.
I resent this deeply.
First of all: I'm old, dammit. If I were a human I'd probably be in assisted living. Would you push your 90-something grandfather out the back door into the rain a half dozen times a day and say, "Time to poop"? I think not.
Another thing: Our thermostat used to be set on 72 degrees. Now it's on 68 degrees. So it's not like it's Miami Beach in here either. Why is she doing this to me? Did I mention that I'm old?
Another thing: Our mom used to let me out whenever I asked. Now I have to wait until lunchtime to go out, and then I have to wait until almost 5 o'clock to go out again. And on Fridays I have to wait all day. So I think I deserve to have some slack cut for me, especially when it's cold and wet outside. She's got a steam cleaner. What's the problem?
And is it my fault I can't sit on the toilet seat?
My human found my old sweater in the closet. I usually hate my sweater, and tell her so, but I let her put it on me today. She said, "Now you'll be warmer when you go out." She thinks I'm going to want to go outside now because I'm wearing this stupid sweater? She must be freaking nuts. Although I must admit I do look a little stylin' in it. But...she's still nuts.
These things just needed to be said.
Lucky for me I'm so darn cute.