Thursday, January 04, 2007

Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired

When I was a kid we had a featherbed. It was usually kept up in the attic, so it wouldn't wear out, but very occasionally my mother would bring it downstairs -- say if the power went out during a winter storm. It was wonderfully soft and warm, and just absorbed you in its folds.

I miss the featherbed. I am slowly recuperating from my upper respiratory infection, but I'm stil tired...so terribly tired. And -- at the risk of further appalling my online literary critic by writing about everyday life instead of Deep Thoughts on Theology -- the annoying Aunt Flo is once again overstaying her appointed stop at my house.

When my mom died, I recall feeling an actual physical jolt, like an icy cold electrical shock, throughout my body, draining away all my energy. I honestly believe that this thing is still working its way through me. I'm simultaneously edgy and starved for sleep, and utterly exhausted. I'm self-absorbed; self-dissatisfied; lacking in confidence; unable to make decisions about trivial matters.

And right now what I would love the most, I think, is about three days under that old featherbed. No talking; no thinking; not even feeling. Sleeping...a long, deep, undisturbed sleep. When I woke up, as I imagine I would periodically, I'd sense the loft and warmth of the featherbed cocoon around me, and I'd sigh and pull the featherbed closer around me, close my eyes and fall asleep again.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Dear LC - I say smash the piggy-bank and buy yourself a featherbed. And check in with your doc. The symptoms you describe sure sound like textbook depression to me. (Been there, had that.) And after a big loss, that is no surprise and no shame. Grief takes time. You are in my prayers.

P.S. (an after-thought) said...

Yes, you are under a cloud, and to be expected, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't do something about it. There are so many changes beyond the obvious when there is a death, so there are all those adjustments, both physical and emotional. Give yourself time, but also take Mata's advice. God Bless.

Grace said...

Is it possible you may have a low-grade sinus infection? I often get these at the tale end of a respiratory problem, and feel exhausted.

It's like you've been run over by a truck. And, sometimes there aren't alot of physical symptoms, just a stuffy nose, and this terrible tiredness.

toujoursdan said...

I agree with Mata. You've been through a serious emotional jolt. Depression is a natural reaction. When my mother died suddenly in 1989, it took a few months before it hit me and I went through a bout of depression that lasted for another a year.

As far as the physical symptoms go, I am in the same boat as you. I have had a low grade flu that has lasted 3 weeks. The winter strain seems particularly nasty this year, perhaps due to the mild winter.

You are in my thoughts and prayers often :)