Caregiving

If you're reading this...you may be an elder caregiver. Or you may one day be an elder caregiver. Or you may be a friend or helping professional for whom this is a relevant issue. Statistically, more of us are providing some degree of help to an elder loved one; and while this has been traditionally thought of as women's work, more men -- 44 percent of all caregivers these days -- are involved in caregiving to some extent. But statistically the average caregiver is a woman in her early 40's, caring in some way for an elderly mother in her late 70's while holding down a job and taking care of her own household.

My 80-something mom lives with me. While I tell my friends that at this point it's hard to tell who's caring for whom, in reality I find myself gradually taking on more responsibility as my mother becomes more frail; this year, for instance, she's resigned herself to using a cane, something she had been resisting despite several falls, including one that broke her wrist. She's always prided herself on being a good cook, and she is -- and in fact when I moved home we would engage in low-grade turf warfare in the kitchen -- but I notice now she no longer protests when I cook a meal in the evening to reheat the next day; it's a relief for her. And while she is still usually mentally sharp enough to tend to her own affairs, if she is unusually preoccupied, sad or otherwise not in a good place emotionally, our conversations become like the one I had on a Saturday morning a few months ago, when I was feeling sentimental for her French toast and proceeded to make that for breakfast; I used whole-grain bread, and added some vanilla to the eggs and milk, and griddled it to perfection in a little butter -- brown on the outside, custardy on the inside. Mom had gotten up achy and depressed, so I thought French toast would be a treat for her too.

"This is really good," she commented, as we sat at the breakfast table eating. Then there was a pause.

"What do you call it?"

I heard a metal-fatigue screech in my head, and saw a vision of my mother in a nursing home, slumped in a wheelchair, mewling like a baby, her eyes fixed in a thousand-mile stare. Oh, no. (I later had social-worker friends tell me that it isn't unusual for older adults to experience a sort of situational cognitive deficit if they're stressed, and that it is not necessarily indicative of something more serious. One of the nice things about working in a human services agency is that, when I wig out, I'm surrounded by helping professionals.)

Sometimes this caregiving thing can be a tough gig.

Two resources I'd recommend highly to anyone who is a caregiver, who may be one, or who counsels caregivers: And Thou Shalt Honor, by Beth Witrogen McLoed; and Counting on Kindness by Wendy Lustbader. The first book is a wonderful, comprehensive resource spanning everything from pre-caregiving planning when one's parents are "young seniors" to the concerns of persons providing 24/7 eldercare. McLoed covers issues like finding senior services, legal issues, calling family councils when important decisions need to be made, advice for caregivers whose loved ones suffer from particular disabilities or diseases, and self-care for caregivers themselves. The second book talks about caregiving from the perspective of the person being cared for -- the shame and frustration that dependent persons often feel, and how caregivers can minimize those feelings. Lustbader approaches this topic from a spiritual perspective, and talks about caregiving as a mitzvah, a good work, especially insofar as the caregiver protects the dignity of the person being cared for. For those of us whose peers tend to look askance at taking on this responsibility...well, sometimes it's good to hear some outside validation that we've made the right decision.

Anyhow...two excellent books. Whether you are assisting an elder or providing some moral or practical support to someone who is, you will find these most useful.