Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Diary of a Clueless Lutheran Woman

For I do not do the good that I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do. -- St. Paul

If you knew, through your own experience, that you could do something every day that consistently made you aware of the loving embrace of God, that brought you peace, that made you feel more loving and forgiving toward others, that helped you make sense of your life...you'd do it; right?

Likewise, if you knew, through your own experience, that a behavior consistently made you angry and depressed, weakened your faith, caused occasion for you to sin against others, created disorder in your psyche...you'd avoid that behavior like the plague; right?

I've been neglecting the Daily Office and my own extemporaneous prayers lately...missing prayers, missing entire days of prayer, or else just phoning it in. Letting myself get sidetracked by stupid, stupid distractions. Not taking care of myself, then finding myself too exhausted to string two thoughts together at the end of the day.

On the other hand, I have been embroiled in a series of fruitless, circuitous theological slap-fights on Beliefnet. This after intending to make the avoidance of recreational argumentation a goal for my Lenten observance -- a vow that lasted all of, I think, two hours, to be sure, but that I've been violating with increasing vigor in the last week or so.

How foolish -- utterly foolish -- can I be?

Sigh. Sometimes this Christian thing is just so hard.


Ladybug6472 said...

Have some mercy on yourself, Tawonda, because you are also human. That is the reason for this season - a reminder of the reason for His passion. Keep in mind that He is gracious and merciful and don't let the enemy condemn you in your spirit.

Grace, Peace, and Love

LutheranChik said...

I think I need a 12-Step program for addictive debating. [rueful grin]

Thanks, Ladybug.

bls said...

Yes, don't forget what you said the other day about the Cross. You were right about that, you know.

I'm having some of the same problems, in trying to figure out the differece between "a robust challenge to the status quo" and "snarky ranting." I end up on the latter side too often, when I'm going for the first thing.

'Course, I was hoping to cease all argument this Lent, myself. But sometimes events take precedence, and I'm sure you know which events I'm talking about.

Anyway, pick it up again now - it's not too late. And Holy Week is coming. Let that take precedence; I know I'm going to (try to) stop all this foolishness then, and I'll even go to Church.


LutheranChik said...

Bls: {{{Thank you.}}} I wound up repeating the mindset that I explicitly wanted to avoid this Lent, i.e., messing up and then saying, "Oh -- I blew Lent. Game over."

Of course, I'm saying this after visiting the Debate forum "one more time"...the equivalent of kneeling at the wastebasket, rooting around for a smoldering cigarette butt, moaning, "One more puff...then I'll stop...I just don't want to waste the tobacco...one more puff and I'll quit..."

Okay. I'm stopping. [rueful smile...cough]

See you in church.;-)

LutheranChik said...

Julian rocks, by the way...I used to have a very nice translation of Revelations of Divine Love, but when I had my religious meltdown many years ago that was one of the books I chucked during the "performance art" stage. Spite face, slice nose...oh, well. I'm glad she's alive and well online. Actually, I wish she had an anchorage connected to my church, except that our church ladies, who have an intense need to feed, would probably casserole and Jello-salad her to the point of supermarket-tabloid-cover obesity.;-)

Another great medieval mystic: Mechtild of Magdeburg..."God is my playmate." An uppity woman, too.;-)